I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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