She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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