I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
