Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
