Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
