the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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