Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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