he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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