i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
