Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
