I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
