I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
