dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
