my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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