I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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