there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
