nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
