Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
