Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
