On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just high enough for therapy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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