I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
