alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
