using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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