Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Randomize
