so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
