NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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