awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I intend to get homeless drunk
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
