plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
