Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
