did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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