She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
