Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
