i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
