After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
