The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My breath smells like gin and sadness
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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