I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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