why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
