Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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