So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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