just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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