While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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