Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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