thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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