so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
