my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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