Soap is not a condiment
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
