You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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