fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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