My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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