What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
